waging

Since I moved back, I’ve realized that the things I hold dear to life have been on cruise control. My thoughts, my emotions, my passion… the things that made me the essential “me”, those things were set aside, practically ignored and now I’m on a journey to revive those thoughts, emotions, and passions. I mean, how do I re-ignite something that should have never been left alone and/or ignored? How do I bring this plant back to life when I have stopped watering the roots? The feelings of discontent, discomfort has overwhelmed me and the frustrations, almost near regret of letting something go than fighting to hold on what was dearest to my life. The things that God has created in me, the passion to live a life worthy of His love alone, the emotional stability that comes from the peace, the love, the grace. There is a war raging inside me. Half the humble, gentle being that wants nothing more than to inspire the people around him. The other half stands a cynical, haughty prick that thinks he’s invincible and the desire to scream, “fuck the world” and hide away. What do I do? I get discouraged when I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back and the passion to regain those steps seem so worthless and unpleasing. As if, “I shouldn’t even be here”, or an “I deserve better” mentality. All I can think about is how humbling all this is and how this always happens when I think I’m too good, even too good for my own skin. I mean, damn! Who the hell thinks he’s too good, even for his own skin? Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve been afraid to confront these issues and today I thought it was time to just rid myself of discontent and apathy. None of this pretty but definitely needed.

-ml