We live in a world where words seem no more important than the next. Whether they are thrown around to cover up our situations or to shadow our feelings, words, impacting words, loses all credibility and meaning. Because feelings, are just that, and situations sometimes turn for the worse but we are no less misfortunate than our next door neighbor. But we sure make it worse than it really is, don’t we? We feel that OUR problems are the worse, no will understand and becoming the victim is much easier than just accepting it, learning from it. What is it about our nature where we yield to the toughest challenges in our lives?

Character growth is the greatest gift, and because character is an invisible gift, its difficult to measure what’s good character and character that seems to have some moral uncertainty. But how can we determine between the two when “easy” becomes the word we say in our head the most. I never get a chance to reflect or grow when things come easy, but honestly whenever I get a choice to choose, and if “easy” is a choice I’ll take it. But there are times where choices are hard to make, or times where I have no other choices to make, those are the times where growth seems to happen the most. Our initial journey shouldn’t be the easy road or answer, but that should be our goal. Ask anyone with a successful career or passion. The road to victory is hard road but a rewarding one, both physically and spiritually. Why are all the things of this world that are “bad” the easiest to get but the “good” things are the hardest to achieve?

Today I ask you to think. “Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” Martin Luther King. I know some of us are already deep thinkers, good. Because on your quest the toughest character to achieve is maturity but when we do, clarity and simplicity will come with your deep thoughts.

Last night I had a dream, a dream of thanksgiving. I know it sounds weird but in my dream I couldn’t speak, all I had were my actions. Then it led to me realize that I didn’t want people to mistake my thankfulness as a form of payment, that I truly do care and love the people around me. But deep down inside I feel like it’s a payment for all the crap inside me that I am dealing with, that as long as I am grateful and showing that I am, it will be enough.  But enough for who?  Does GOD judge you on your actions or your intentions? I am left to answer these things, and I’m truly okay with that. For me that’s the difference between existing and living. Easy is not a choice for me, and I am taught this every day of my life.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa. So with that, Happy Thanksgiving! And my cliché’ “what am I thankful for” answer is: For everyone who is my life actively, teaching, growing, learning, non-judging, ever-loving me. It’s not “easy” but I’m grateful YOU are there.

-ml

Since I moved back, I’ve realized that the things I hold dear to life have been on cruise control. My thoughts, my emotions, my passion… the things that made me the essential “me”, those things were set aside, practically ignored and now I’m on a journey to revive those thoughts, emotions, and passions. I mean, how do I re-ignite something that should have never been left alone and/or ignored? How do I bring this plant back to life when I have stopped watering the roots? The feelings of discontent, discomfort has overwhelmed me and the frustrations, almost near regret of letting something go than fighting to hold on what was dearest to my life. The things that God has created in me, the passion to live a life worthy of His love alone, the emotional stability that comes from the peace, the love, the grace. There is a war raging inside me. Half the humble, gentle being that wants nothing more than to inspire the people around him. The other half stands a cynical, haughty prick that thinks he’s invincible and the desire to scream, “fuck the world” and hide away. What do I do? I get discouraged when I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back and the passion to regain those steps seem so worthless and unpleasing. As if, “I shouldn’t even be here”, or an “I deserve better” mentality. All I can think about is how humbling all this is and how this always happens when I think I’m too good, even too good for my own skin. I mean, damn! Who the hell thinks he’s too good, even for his own skin? Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve been afraid to confront these issues and today I thought it was time to just rid myself of discontent and apathy. None of this pretty but definitely needed.

-ml

I know to loving me isn’t easy, and putting up with me is a task in itself. You have the hardest job of taking care of my well being. You keep me balanced, you keep me focused, and when it life gets too tough to face, I know I can dwell in your love. And with a sound of your voice, I am uplifted once again because your strength is my strength. I am who I am because of who you are.. I am my mother’s child. And I stand by you proudly because you have stood by me proudly and continue to stand. I’m sorry if I haven’t said it enough, but everyday should be your day.

Happy Mother’s Day

[[[love]]]

-ml

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